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Halloween Horror Help

The other day I received a package containing a floppy disk and a note. The note told me to place the following document on this website immediately (which was underline and written in all capitalization) or there would have been grave consequences. Unfortunately, I missed the deadline since it took me a while to find a computer with a floppy drive and my friend called me up to complain about things coming through the walls, moving his furniture around. I guess there have been some adhesive effects, including but not limited to- an old man, sitting at a table appearing on my television, and making a shushing sound; whenever I try to play music I only hear a robotic voice reading off the numbers of pi; I sometimes get a telephone call telling me in a low, hurried voice that they are near. Anyway I think it’s all nothing. What follows is a ho-hum article by someone named Mortimer Mettle about some horror recommendations. Hm, did I always have these antenna?

It’s that time a year again! The most ghoulish, horrific, and one of my personal favorite holidays of the year, Halloween. Of course nobody has a pleasant or comforting Halloween. No you need scares and fear. As a connoisseur of all things terror I am here to help you in this most frightful of days. Here are some things that I discovered this year that could raise the dead and improve your Halloween, some things new, old, things yet to be and probably not of this world.

What’s better than a good scary story? Financial well-being, a decent job with benefits, and a girlfriend that will end this void of soul-crushing loneliness…my editor is telling me that I’m getting carried away again. A fantastic book that will fill you with terror that I’ve recently discovered is the highly unconventional House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski.

The book was recommended by a friend who shoved it into my hands and asked if I would accept this book. I said yes, usually we are pretty simpatico with our taste and I trust him with these things. He then looked up into the sky and shouted, “He has the book now. The curse is now his!”

Any simple summation of House of Leaves wouldn’t do the book justice. Danielewski askews normal narrative style to create one of the most unnerving books years. He creates multiple plotlines, stories within stories, chronicling a man’s descent into insanity and a new take on the “haunted house” story. One thing is for sure is that the book will make the reader uncomfortable to be alone and in the dark.

A new book that just came out this year is NOS4A2. I found this one down at my local library. It was past a row of books that I could swear were moaning….and I think one was bleeding. Anyway, the staff there, which were replaced with hooded figures that didn’t really talk but more like whispered in unison, not verbally either but more like speaking in my head, told me to ignore it and that if I was late with the book it would cost me one soul.

NOS4A2 by Joe Hill tells the cross-country story of Vic McQueen and her special mission to “find stuff” leads to trouble in the form of vampiric child killer Charles Manx. After nearly escaping with her life Manx is imprisoned and falls into a coma. Flash forward years later, Manx is back and wants revenge. Hill has quickly grown out of his father’s shadow, that of the legendary horror icon Stephen King, and has found his own voice and deliver and great horror tale of his own.

If you’re looking to have a horror movie marathon then there are plenty of those to pick from as well. Besides the classic stalwarts, this year has seen quite a few good horror movies. Perhaps, the one to make the biggest splash this year has been the haunted house film, The Conjuring. Things start tense and never let go. Another notable release this year is the remake of the cult classic, The Evil Dead. Surprisingly it’s not terrible, and definitely not for the weak of heart. For the more adventurous, there is Berberian Sound Studio. While there is nothing supernatural about the movie it does explore the extreme effects of loneliness, alienation, and stress on an English sound engineer working on an Italian horror. The movie just drips a wonderfully, surreal, nightmarish atmosphere.

Remember it’s probably best not to try any of the Redboxes in town. Whenever I try to get a movie out of one of them I always get Tooth Fairy 2, starring Larry the Cable. The most popular theories on the matter between my dog and I are either gnomes or poltergeists.

If you have the courage to venture to the outside world and do not fear the zombie apocalypse there are some events that would be a great way to make it a scary evening. Next Saturday, Proctors will be playing a string of classic zombie movies for their Zombie Feast Film Fest. It’s and all night affair so you should be safe when the bell strikes 12. That’s when they roam the streets. You know about them, if you don’t then it is already too late.

I hope this helps your Halloween…what’s that? Someone is at the door. I wonder who could that be at this hour, trick-or-treaters maybe. Is that torches? And chanting?

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